Chapter 6: Marriage and Autonomy

I love the image of marriage as a bonsai tree - there is beauty found within the limits. For me, autonomy is critical for intimacy. There is a certain amount of freedom and independence that I can and must exercise in order to stay sane and express myself fully. For my marriage, some time apart is essential to the health of  our relationship. But it truly is a fine balance, when our lives get busy and we start to feel like ships passing in the night, I know it's time to reconnect and share the things we've been saving up to tell each other.

Maintaining this connection is even harder when you and your partner are having very different experiences, as I know happens to many of you when you move to Boston. Your partner is fully engaged in work and pursuing their dream, while you may be struggling to build a network from scratch and figure out what you can and want to do.  Even when Liz and Felipe were sharing the same challenges and spending so much time together, they each had their own emotions and viewpoints and unique ways of coping with their situation, making connection difficult for them at times. Time apart can help, but I imagine there are times when too much time apart makes it harder and harder to reconnect.

Although I am not a particularly good gardener (the familial green thumb seemed to have skipped my generation), I seem to use a lot of metaphors about gardens. Of course, relationships require attention and nuturing, but I've also done best with plants when I put them in the ground and let the sun and rain do its work and help out with the occasional watering and weeding. Houseplants that I fuss over (either ignoring completely and then drowning) seem to do the worst in my hands. Finding that right amount of attention and care isn't easy.

(and I loved the author's description of how her parents manage their vegetable garden - the very specific territories and responsibilities they have negotiated over time. It gets my thinking about the divisions of labor and territory that Davide and I have figured out over the years - some negotiated openly, others evolved organically, some based on our strengths and interests, some completely arbitrary. And at some points it's gotten totally turned upside down.)

I keep coming back to the image of the porcupines in that endless dance of coming together and moving apart. Our relationships are always in motion. I used to get more disturbed by the times when I was feeling disconnected from my partner, but over time, I know it's natural for the relationship to be in flux, sometimes closer, sometimes farther away. But I've learned to trust that we will eventually find our way back to each other.