Chapter 5: Marriage and Women

Today the problem that has no name is how to juggle work, love, home and children.

This chapter was an interesting read, as it didn't only deal with marriage but also dealt with family/community issues.

Lizzy points to the fact that child-rearing and marriage are inherently linked in our culture and in our minds that making other choices is quite tough. Do you agree?
"First comes love, then comes marriage, and then comes baby in the baby carriage"

Her description of her grandmother and mother's choices I enjoyed a lot and I thought this following statement was a very intriguing one. It makes me want to know more about the stories of the women in my own family and the women in surroundings as I grew up (the moms of my friends).

"The fact remains that while our family as a whole profited immensely from my mother’s quitting her career, her life as an individual did not necessarily benefit so immensely. In the end, she did just what her female predecessors had always done. She sewed winter coats for her children from the leftover material of her heart’s more quiet desires." Further on in the chapter she says "Some people suggest that female economic independence is destroying happy marriages, but they don't realise that many women (over the centuries) stayed in wretched marriages because they could not afford to leave." This is quite true and may also imply to men.

The author talks about the "Marriage Benefit Imbalance", where she states that women generally lose in exchange of marriage vows, while men win big time. Although later on in the chapter she gives the example of her parents and notices that both men and women have to give up a bit of themselves when entering a marriage. As women become more autonomous (as is the case in our current society), the MBI diminishes. To some extent I agree with this point. What is your opinion?

...such a system demands that mothers become selfless to the point of near invisibility in order to construct these exemplary environments for their families. Can we all someday join a larger conversation about how we might work together as a society to construct a world where healthy children can be raised and healthy families can prosper without women having to scrape bare the walls of their own souls to do it?

Here Lizzy nicely adds in the Aunties brigade and gives many examples of childless women in the past centuries who have had an important role in taking care of other's children. This can help construct a healthy society. It is a nice thought.

The simplicity and joy of Keo an Noi's life touched me immensely. It is also something I have experienced on my travels. You don't need much to be happy in this life, but for caring and affectionate people surrounding you. In the Laotian culture you don't marry one single person you marry into a community. Where, if there are problems between the husband and wife then first the parents try and help out. If this is unsuccessful then village elders take up the problem in a public council meeting. I can't imagine that in our western society, could you? In our western society advice is given on a more 1-1 basis from friends/family. Although even in our western society we don't just marry/commit to one person (our spouse), but we have a whole new family and community to take into account in our married life. The difference maybe is that in our case our spouse is more important than the community/extended family, than is the case in the Laotian culture portrayed in this chapter.