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It certainly does take a village to raise a family. I am
very fortunate to have close friends and family nearby, as well as great
neighbors. I rely on them for last minute requests for help and for scheduled days
when I know ahead of time that I’ll need an extra hand. I love spending time
with all of them, but not every single day. I cherish the social interaction
and support but at the same time, I cherish my time alone.
I think I would find living in a Lebanese American family claustrophobic
at times. Some of you probably talk to your family members more often than I
do, and I’m only one hour away from my parents and my sister. We Americans are
famous for moving away from family for work and better opportunities. If we aren’t in touch with our families very often,
we blame the geographical distance between us, but the lack of contact says
more about what we value - independence and the pursuit of opportunities. I
think that’s why I had a hard time understanding why my husband’s cousins in
Italy don’t leave their tiny village to find work or get more education. If I
grew up in a culture or family that assumed “you will grow up together, and
raise your families together and die together” (page 135), then I might make different
choices about how and where I live.
Once a member of MIT spouses&partners asked me “Is there
a law in the US that says that children have to leave their parents’ home at
age 18?”. I thought it was a funny question (there is no such law), but our
culture does expect that children will be independent and living on their own
after their education is completed. Many children leave their home for college,
and some do return for a short stay with their parents after graduation, but the
end goal is to become financially and emotionally independent as soon as they
can.
This chapter also got me thinking about how we value
children in the US. There is a great emphasis on the nuclear family (i.e.
father, mother, kids), but I don’t think we consider raising children to be the
responsibility of the whole community. I wonder what that might look like in
the US and how that could change our policies and attitudes around maternity
leave, childcare, and adoption.
I have been living away from family for about 7 years, and it took me a long time to realize how hard it is. At first, It seemed logical (what I was supposed to do to pursue my own life) but as I got children, it really hit me how hard it will be to raise them alone with my husband. I wish I had a strong network on whom I could rely to help with the kids. I kind of rebuilt it with friends, but it is definitely not the same.
ReplyDeleteI've hurt my back a few months ago, and I couldn't take care of the kids for a few days. Friends are always here to help as long as it fits their own schedule, but I missed my family to help no matter what. I ended up hiring someone to take care of the kids. It felt like if I had to pay to get my sister or my mother to help me. It was really sad and that is when I realized how hard it was to be so far away.
Adeline
Adeline - in light of the current economic situation, it feels like we have to make really hard choices right now about following work opportunities and staying geographically close to family. It is so hard to be far from family. We can try to recreate a support system with friends wherever you are, but sometimes we just need and want help from those who know our history and understand so much about us.
ReplyDeleteI think it really goes back to whether our culture values children. If it did, there would be readily available and affordable childcare in the Boston area. If neighbors felt more responsible for each other, it might be easier to reach out and get help in our time of need. I think our culture is shifting as a result of the economic downturn. For instance you are beginning to see multiple generations living together again, but I don't know exactly where we are heading.
I think the comment about a person asking if there is a law requiring children to move out at 18 was interesting. I recall when I had graduated from college and had a job local to where my parents lived, they "required" me to live at home. Once I mentioned to a friend that my parents wouldn't let me live away from them (even though I desperately wanted my freedom), the friend scoffed at that remark. They didn't understand how the parents could require that - it was such a foreign concept to someone outside my Asian culture. In hindsight, being able to live with my parents until I got married didn't only help me financially, it made me very close to my parents. Now that I live away from my parents and my sister lives in the same area as them, I can see the benefits and the difficulties of having family so close. When her daughter was sick, my mom went to see her that moment and was able to help. After being independent though, having family so close also adds a bit of complexity when balancing how our generation raised in western culture want to raise our kids and how the grandparents think the kids should be raised based on how they were taught.
ReplyDeleteI would say in Spain we have a broader concept of the nuclear family than in the US, but not as wider as Lebanese people do.
ReplyDeleteIn Spain it is common to find homes where three generations live together, specially if grandma or grandpa are widows. Also, it is common to find young adults living with their parents, even if they have finished college and have a job but maybe not a partner - although this situation has considerably increased due to the economic crisis, it was common before.
Another usual thing is having grandparents taking care of grandchildren when both parents work. In some cases it is because families cannot afford other type of childcare, but in many cases it's just more convenient, easier or/and considered to be the best option for the kids. Though this can have many advantages, it limits the willingness to move far away from parents. A few weeks ago I read an article (I think it was in The Economist) that said that if there was a positive aspect to extract from the Spanish economic crisis was the fact that the working force had become more geographically flexible. That is, people were finally moving around Spain in order to find a job they couldn't find in their home town (and we are talking about a country which is not bigger than Texas).
Personally, I can see the benefits of having the extended family very close and being part of everyday life, particularly when it comes to raising kids and balancing that with social and working life. However, I appreciate too much taking my own decisions, having time alone with my husband and kids, and not giving explanations for raising my kids in ways that may be different from the Spanish "tradition". Therefore, I think the perfect situation is having the family at a distance that allows to frequent visits, but excludes the "risk" of everyday pop-ins and too many opinions about everyday life issues.
Having said that, my husband and I have been for the past few years dealing with mix feelings about how to balance career development and our own personal life preferences with being closer to our families. Finally, and after 7 years living abroad, we moved back to Spain. We are now at a 1hour flight distance from our parents instead of 8 or 12 hours flight distance. For us, the turning point was wanting our kids to enjoy closer relationships with grandpas, cousins, aunties…
Macarena
Hi Anonymous and Macarena - thanks for your thoughtful comments. It is not easy to navigate the cultural and generational differnces wth our parents, and I agree that there are definitely pros and cons to having family close by. Whenever my husband and I feel the pull to be closer to his family (especially in times of crisis), we remind ourselves of the reasons why we decided to live here, and consider whether they still make sense. I think these decisions will get revisited over and over again over the course of our marriage. And I will try to be understanding if one day my daughter decides to move to another country!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I always say "there's no perfect place". It's hard to find a place that is close to family, has great schools, provides stimulating and well-paid work and career opportunities for both partners and is close to beach (add whatever else is important to you to the list). It seems that sacrifices must be made, and the long term consequences aren't always clear.
If you haven't seen this clip, I think you'll enjoy it Everybody Loves Raymond - Why we are here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vltq8wwWhA4
A couple discusses how far they want to move from the husband's parents. It makes me laugh everytime I watch it.