How the Japanese Let Their Children Fight

The thing that stood out to me in this chapter is that both American and Japanese cultures have good reasons for how they deal with conflict between kids, but the styles of encouraging social behavior are so different that it might be hard for two families from those opposing styles to spend a lot of time together.

Japanese school teachers expect kids to work out their own problems socializing with other kids, but American parents and school teachers tend to intervene when kids are fighting or not sharing.  The Japanese teachers pretend not to react to the disturbance, although they watch to make sure that no one is getting seriously hurt.  After a fight they will discuss what happened and what behavior is appropriate, but they don’t try to prevent the conflicts from happening. The idea is that kids will always have to deal with difficult people, so they should be taught to solve their own problems and understand what society expects from people instead of relying on an authority figure to help them.

American parents and teachers seem to be very safety-oriented and protective. I think families that allow their children to find out for themselves what happens if they take toys or fight might be labeled a bad influence here.

There is a certain amount of pressure to conform to American safety parenting that probably continues on up through high school as American parents try to create an artificially safe environment for their kids.  It’s hard to navigate what behaviors and boundaries are age-appropriate, and it’s harder if you spend time around families who don’t have the same rules.  It’s really great for me to take a step back and see that the authoritarian parenting style is a cultural pressure, so that I can be welcoming to families with different parenting styles in the future.