Best Fathers in the World

When I read this chapter I was really excited about the Aka pygmy fathers and told my spouse all about them. He was intrigued by the idea that the dads in this remote group care for the their child nearly 50% of the time, carrying the baby while the parents hunt together, or sitting around with the guys drinking, chatting, and holding the baby. For some reason it was such a relief to me that there are dads out there (literally out there in the jungle) who are comfortable having their kids around as babies, and split the parenting work and cuddling with moms.

As you’ve probably figured out, Americans talk about “primary care-givers” because here one person in a couple often ends up taking care of the baby almost all the time. That makes the most sense economically in a market where most jobs are full time and don’t come with much parental leave. Families are often geographically spread out, so they can’t rely on multi-generational care. Even if parents want to share parenting more equitably (and an increasing number of people do want to!), the cost of childcare and lack of work flexibility push some parents into extreme, gendered differences in how they contribute to the family’s well-being.

I think the first step in giving more options for families is understanding that on a biological basis, men and women can both be good parents, even of babies, and can find it satisfying. That’s why it’s so refreshing to hear about cultures with where couples share the same parenting responsibilities like the Aka pygmies. Telling other people about them helps to gradually shift ideas of what family life can be.

I am luck to know some great dads - I have a brother-in-law who is a primary care-giver to our toddler niece and baby nephew.  And I was lucky to have a dad who spent time with me regularly when I was school-age, reading books to me and my siblings every night before bed.   

But, like Mei-Ling, I expect to struggle against the cultural expectations for women, to resent lost opportunities, be pressured into the role of “strict parent” while the father is the “fun parent”, and feel frustrated and less economically valuable than my spouse (and probably guilty!) when I try to negotiate for time away. This is pretty daunting, and it would be so tempting to react to these cultural pressures by keeping score or making demands. I’m glad that Mei-Ling found a way to make space for her spouse’s parenting style, and that he made an effort to spend time one-on-one with their daughter when she was a baby.