Marriage and Surprises

I too have an Officer Tom. I met my future husband while working as an au pair in Italy, and after I returned to the US, we managed a long distance relationship via phone calls, handwritten letters, and short visits. Can you imagine? No skype, no email, no Facebook. After about a year, we were ready to live on the same continent again. During some visits to the US, Davide looked for jobs and talked to potential employers who seemed interested in him. Despite many people’s advice to “just get married” because it would be easier for him to come to the US, we decided that he would come to Boston on a 6 month visitor’s visa, find employment and then change his visa to a more permanent one.

On the day he flew to Boston, I sat in the international arrivals area of Logan airport for a long time, waiting for him to come through those swinging doors. I don’t remember exactly how much time passed (it felt like forever), but I do know that after a while I was the only person still waiting there, my heart jumping every time the doors opened just a crack. And remember, I didn’t have a cell phone to get in touch with him. I must have used a pay phone to call my sister so she could come to support me – thank goodness she was home that afternoon.

Eventually Davide came through those doors with an immigration officer. I don’t remember his name and I have some vague image of him in my mind, but I certainly wouldn’t recognize him if I passed him on the street today.  After questioning Davide about his reasons for coming the US, they got suspicious that he intended to immigrate to the US, not just “visit”. Upon examination of his luggage and more questions, they decided to confiscate his passport and send him back to Italy. But there was no plane flying directly to Italy until the next day, so Davide got to stay with me for one night.

During that very emotional night, we faced the decision to live apart or get married. Davide returned to Italy the next day, and I got started on the paperwork for the fiancée visa. If I ever write my memoir, it will be called “Paperwork Required” because I have had to fill out a lot of forms in order to bring my husband and daughter into my life.

Were we naïve thinking he could just come to the US and find a job and a visa? Ignorant? Perhaps. We were determined to find a way to make this happen without getting married. Looking back after being more or less happily married for the past 20 years, it’s hard to say why we resisted the idea of marriage. Did we know each other well enough? Were we too young?  Would an intercultural marriage work? Would he be happy in the US? What if he wanted to return to Italy?

It’s natural to carefully consider the question of marriage and whether you are choosing the right person and the right time. But I also wanted the decision to be solely between me and my spouse and no one else. Not my friends, not his parents, and certainly not the US government. Although our love story and drama with US immigration might seem romantic, I certainly would have been happy for the story to have unfolded in a slower, more private way.

I’m thankful for Office Whoever who treated us as kindly as he could and didn’t put Davide in handcuffs or in jail. I’m thankful that we took the leap of faith and decided to get married, and I’m grateful for all that has happened since.