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"In a situation like this, may I just say, there is perhaps no more feeble-sounding word in the English language than boyfriend."
And there is the problem. Is there a word that truly captures the relationship you have with the person to whom you are totally, fully, forever committed? The English language offers a couple of words to describe relationships between adults who love each other and are in love. Spouse feels pretty dry to me, something you would use in the legal document, but it does evoke a greater sense of equality between people, unlike husband and wife. To me, being a wife implies all sorts of historical, social and cultural norms and ideals that I'm just not sure I fit into or want to fit into. Many people use the word partner to describe someone with whom they are in a long-term relationship, and I like the idea of a couple being equal partners, but it doesn't roll off my tongue easily, especially for my own relationship. Significant other is another term people use, but I think it might be going out of fashion. I like the idea of announcing that a particular person is important and of consequence to you, but there really isn't just one significant other in my life. My daughter is pretty important and significant to me as well.
When MIT spouses&partners was first created, it was called the "MIT Wives Group". That was during the 70s and I'm pretty sure that there weren't any men following their wife to MIT at that time. In 2000, after much thought and discussion with our members, we changed the name to "MIT spouses&partners." Am I in love with the name? Not really, but we wanted to be inclusive of anyone (male or female) who was married or in a committed relationship. And we wanted the name to be comprehensible to people speaking a variety of languages. Technically, we got it right. But I'm wondering what feelings come up when you see the word "spouse" or "partner". How does it translate for you? What are the connotations of these words - the cultural and emotional associations that they carry rather than the literal definition?
And let me open another can of worms here - what about the word family? Can a couple be a family without children? That question is probably worth a whole other blog post....
I agree, it is actually often tough to find the right word to describe a relationship. Before we got married we'd been in a relationship for 10 years and somehow I still didn't have another word to introduce my now husband but boyfriend. I wanted a different word as we definitely were no longer just boy- and girlfriend, but partner seemed so business like/detached and it stressed the fact that we weren't married. I never did find a more appropriate word. I always thought it would take me quite a while to get used to introducing him as my husband, but I realized that before long I always spoke of him as my husband and it felt right :-) . Having come to the US though and having joined the MIT spouse&partners group I regularly tell people I am a spouse but I never introduce my husband as being my spouse but always as my husband. It's funny how different words have different connotations and some words feel right and others don't. Language also definitely plays a role in this.
ReplyDeleteA few interesting aspects of the Dutch language with regard to relationships:
- In Dutch there is no separate word for boyfriend, girlfriend or just friend. They are all referred to as vriend. Although if you say "this is MY friend" you stress on the fact that you are dating the person, are in a relationship.
- In the Netherlands husband and wife are referred to as "man & vrouw" (man & woman). So for eq people will ask "is your woman coming for too"...in English it sounds so strange.
Ok, I am going to stop writing now and start reading the book. Can't wait to get reading!
It's interesting, in the 1950's & 1960's, most Americans had no trouble introducing their husband or wife, or being introduced as someone's husband or wife. In fact, many women relished having the title of Mrs. ~ there was social power implied by the title. Now the terms seem so politically loaded or old fashioned. Most of my friends resort to using the self-deprecating term "my better half" when making introductions.
ReplyDeleteIt amazes me how much can change in a generation, Kathleen!
ReplyDeleteIn Taiwanese language, a word referring to spouse, "kan-chu", means "the person holds my hand/hand-holder". I think that's quite romantic. =)
ReplyDeleteI don't mind the terms "husband" and "wife" as I'm not aware of the connotation associates with them. I also cannot think of a better term to refer to the role.
I also wasn't aware that "family" usually involves children in the mix until someone asked me "How old is your kid?" I definitely feel that the two of us is a family, kid or no kid, and that's how I'll keep using the word.
That translation is lovely Ling-Chih - it makes me think of a couple walking side by side holding hands and facing the future together as equals. I like the idea that both partners need hand-holding as well. And I agree, you and your husband are a family, with or without kids! My online dictionary tells me that family means adults plus the children they care for, but I prefer a more inclusive definition. A friend of mine says that family is what you make it, and she lives that sentiment, with her open heart and warm inclusive spirit. I'm thankful that she is one of Maia's "aunties".
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